I have recently come to realize that I have a lot more shame in my life than I ever cared to admit. In having a few conversations with some friends about shame, its definition and effects, I started to see patterns of fear and shame that have persisted since I was very young. For some reason, I have overlooked shame in my life and almost operated like it didn’t exist at all. Perhaps it is because I never actually knew what it meant. Shame is something I know that all human beings deal with. In the Christian narrative, with Adam and eve, it is indeed the first negative feeling that we ever felt as the human race. Adam and Eve sinned against God and then covered their naked bodies as to not expose theirselves. They thought it right to hide in the bushes from the Lord. In narratives throughout ancient history too, we see patterns of tribes and cultures running from their own failures and sins, putting fault on others, shifting blame on different groups, and relating to their gods through blood and human sacrifice, for, in essence, they knew that there had to be punishment and appeasement to these gods. Humans have, for as long as we have been here, needed to be right with ourselves, with others, and with the gods. We have this internal need to feel like we are accepted and valued and loved, and when it looks like we will not be accepted or we feel that disconnection can happen, we feel shame. Let me explain further.
A simple example of shame would be a child disobeying their parent. Often times, a child will do something wrong and then either place blame on their other sibling, lie about what they did, or hide away from their parent until they find out and can’t hide any longer. Sound familiar to the garden of Eden? Shame is learned young. Now the child may fear being open about what they did because they fear the punishment that is to come or the possible disconnection (or decrease of love) that they will receive from their parent. They are afraid of being exposed, for in being exposed they are vulnerable to be criticized and chastised.
Another example of shame would be in the arena of homosexuality. Shame is often set into motion when standards are not met. Societal standards in many cultures are set at heterosexuality. In many cases, especially in decades prior, a person may feel attraction to the same sex and shame at the same time, for they are feeling something that isn’t “normal” per say. Feelings and thoughts of ostracism from society come blazing into the psyche. Next, feelings of shame or hatred towards oneself come because having attractions like these may be considered by the person to be abnormal, wrong, and in some cases, evil. In religious spheres, unfortunately, many homosexuals feel that God too does not approve of them, their attractions, or their lifestyle. (I am not speaking for all homosexuals, just from my talks with close relatives who are gay, my understanding of shame and my own feelings of same-sex attraction in the past.) You can see the terrible cycle of shame that this produces. When not embraced in any of the areas (self, society, and religion) one may feel a profound sense of self hatred, anxiety, and the belief that not only their feelings are wrong and undesirable but that they themselves are wrong and undesirable.
Shame is something that if not dealt with can cause significant mental illness, insecurity, and emotional bondage. It is imperative that we grow in our understanding of ourselves and our minds so that we can get to any root of shame in our lives. I know personally that I struggle deeply with shame and have overlooked many thought patterns in my life. I am afraid of disconnection. I am afraid that my feelings are not valid, that they are wrong, and so I often keep them to myself. I am afraid still, even after being a Christian for years, that at the end of the day I will not be accepted by the Lord for certain things. But I also am now dedicated and determined to receive my acceptance in the Lord. I know that the only way I can overcome shame is to embrace unconditional love and empathy. I know that I have created ideas of God based on my own insecurities. I have believed him to be overbearing, sin focused, judgmental, and mean, but I also have encountered a God who accepts me before I accept myself, before others accept me, who embraces every flaw and comes looking for me even when I hide just like he did in the garden with Adam and Eve. I know him to be relentless in pursuing me, in desiring me, in knowing me, and in loving me. All I need to do is step into that belief. Only then can I let go of the other two areas. I can let go of what others think and believe and I can let go of my own self-blame and self-condemnation.
You are not condemned. You are not shameful. You are not wrong or undesirable. You are loved deeply and unconditionally. You are more than you think. You are powerful and beautiful and free. Only when we receive unconditional acceptance can we fully live. Acceptance is the cure to shame. God knows all of what we feel and experience; he is not a distant God who does not understand our suffering and fear. In fact, he jumps straight into our suffering; just look at the cross. He partners with us and shows us truth in all of the scary emotions we have. He is so close. Make a step today to overcome shame with me. Let us accept and receive each other. Let us enter into the areas of the unknown, into vulnerability and trust, and let us live the abundant life that God has promised us. I believe whole-heartedly that it is God’s will that we be free from shame. So let’s chase after that freedom.
Abundant Living 