I had friend once. It’s hard to believe I know, but yes, I had a friend, who sat on a ping pong table while a bunch of friends and I were playing. We were getting our slices in and getting super competitive because that’s just what you do when you play ping pong, and this friend comes in trying to be funny (we all have that friend) and pops a squat right on the table and cracks it. This person wasn’t super large or something, they just sat in the right spot on the table and put a nice line through one of the sides. My friends and I looked at each other, not knowing whether to laugh or be completely irate because he ruined the game for us. It started out with a “DOOD! Are you serious? Why would you do that?” Most people would respond with a shocked “I’m so sorry” or a “I didn’t think that would happen, I was just messing around!”, but this friend, maybe like some friends that you have, refused to accept any blame for the matter. They went on to say how it wasn’t really them, and how the crack was probably already coming about and how the integrity of the ping pong table was probably cheapened from over use or whatever, as if 5 of us didn’t just see with our own eyes that our friend had sat on the table and cracked it. I was aghast at the words coming out of his mouth. In my own mind, I’m thinking that it really isn’t that big of a deal, I mean it wasn’t my table anyway. And even if it was, accidents happen, and I have done a lot of stupid things to break stuff that shouldn’t have been broken. A simple “I’m sorry” would have done nicely.
I am glad this did happen though because it got me thinking about the shift of blame tactic that we humans so often use to deliver ourselves from a sense of guilt and shame. It has happened from the very beginning. In the Bible, in Genesis 3 where it gives account of the fall of humanity into sinful ways, God speaks to Adam and asks him if he had eaten of the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Adam responds “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me the fruit of the tree and I ate.” God then asks the woman, Eve, “What is this that you have done?, to which Eve replies “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.” Adam gets a big question from Father God that we have all gotten from our parents at some point in time, “What happened? And “Did you do it?”, to which Adam responds by blaming his wife and blaming God for giving him a wife. Eve is given the same opportunity to fes’ up, but blames the deceiving serpent for her wrong doings, much like my buddy blaming the table for being so frail as to not be able to handle his hefty butt bash.
We, as humans, seem to be terrified of our own wrongdoings. We are perhaps scared of punishment, externally from authority and internally from our own conscious. It is hard for us in many instances to just say three simple words, “It’s my fault.” It is as if in saying these words we are accepting our own human fragility, our own shame in not being perfect or good enough. We may be accepting in these words an idea not only that what we did is wrong, but that we ourselves are wrong and are subject to punishment, which indeed is what many psychologists define as true shame. But all of these ideas in our heads, I believe, are myths and stories created that keep us in bondage. Confessing is a blessing. See what I did there? The rhyme and everything? With proper wisdom, confessing to fault is actually a key into a door that leads to freedom. It keeps us honest. It protects us from false stories and ridiculous blame shifting which only lead us to live as false selves. In confessing we accept not the shame, but the beauty of being fallible. There is grace in knowing that we mess up, that we make mistakes, and that not everything goes according to plan or how we thought it would in our minds. If my buddy would have accepted the blame for breaking the table, we could have solved the problem, offered forgiveness, pitched in for a new table, and had a funny story to laugh at later on. But instead, we spent minutes in confusion over what happened and maybe a little bitterness that the person wouldn’t just “man up” and say that they had messed up. I know I did at least.
The point is that shifting blame ultimately, and pardon my strong language, makes you a weak person. A person that knows who they are and knows their weaknesses as well, can own up to their faults when the time comes. A person who stays in the dark and tries to pretend like everything is alright and that the table isn’t broken or was already broken, remains ignorant to their own fallibility, and in this can never fully experience grace, forgiveness, and intimate relationship founded on growing strong through weakness. They are always denying the fact that they have need for improvement and that maybe they should think through some of the ways they act or react in their life. This denial keeps them from truly growing in that they are unaware that there is even room to grow.
James 5:16 says it this way, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Fessing up brings healing. It actualizes you as a true individual. I know this well personally. My loud, boisterous personality sometimes keeps me from thinking through things all the way, sometimes leading to making mistakes, like smashing somebodies sand castle like I did in 4th grade or throwing something on a whim and it hitting somebody in the face, or obeying the passions of my body and lashing out at somebody or entering into some form of manipulation. But every time I own up to these mistakes I only see healing. It strengthens and heals my relationships and it opens up dialogue for growth. In many cases, especially the “silly sins” it creates laughter and joy and people end up saying things like “Oh Aaron!” You’re crazy!!” When you open up to your own fault, it opens others up to notice that they aren’t always on point either, and this forms deeper and more intimate connection with others because you start falling in love with the little idiosyncrasies that make us humans human.
So don’t blame shift. Don’t say that it is the tables fault, or it is the woman’s fault, or the devils’s fault, or your parents’ fault, or your teachers fault, or whoever. You are responsible for how you respond and react in every situation. You are responsible for how you deal with every circumstance and how you see every interaction. We are too often held back in life because we are constantly blaming other people or things for the way we are or for why things happened the way they did. If you keep blaming other things, then you will never take the responsibility to change—it will always be somebody else’s job to make things right or to make things better. Instead, say “It’s my fault”. Give yourself some responsibility, confess to your wrongdoings and watch the healing waters come. Boom.
Abundant Living 